Wednesday, March 26, 2008

in an instant

Josh wasn't so sure just how easy it would be to get back to Freddie's. He wanted to. He did. It was just being stuck with Simon.

Not that he hated it. He liked Simon. They were mates. But he found himself staring into a conversation that he couldn't make heads or tails out of. Perhaps Simon was just to intellect for him.

Josh wasn't sure what the problem was, but it was really getting to him. More than once he'd wanted to kiss him just to make Simon shut up, but then he knew that wasn't exactly what he was going for, anyway.

There was Freddie. And he wanted to be with him. He was the one.

But Simon, it was all some sort of manifesto to him. Sure, he could plague victims with his twenty minute monologues about alternative livestyles, etc. It would have made a great term paper. Only Simon was more talk than anything else.

Not that Josh had kissed him. He hadn't. It really made Josh a little envious, perhaps, how Simon had taken the pious route about his sexual orientation. The fact of the matter, Simon was celibate even if he didn't come right out and say it.

Josh found it a little risky.

Then to have him practically shouting about it front of Josh's Mum one afternoon when they were hitting the books. That really did startle Josh. He'd acted surprised as if he didn't know about it. At least his Mum was all smiles about it, and didn't even question Josh on Simon's pledge to homosexuality.

That was a relief that his mum was still pretty much in the dark about him. Although, Rhys had teased him that Simon was his boyfriend. Josh had shrugged that off too.

But deep inside he felt he was leading a double life. And here he was with Simon, the queer poster boy who remained quite a virgin at heart.

"Did you even have any fun at that party?" Josh squinted on their walk home.

"He's got an extraordinary collection of philosophical books." Simon nodded.

"I suppose. Jeremy seems the intellectual." Josh sighed wanting to hurry their walk along so he could get back to Freddie.

"I'd like him more if he were gay." Simon thought aloud.

"Are you saying you have a crush on Jeremy?" This was news to Josh as they strolled along.

"No, I'm just saying if he were, I would, but he's not, so I don't." His nonsense lingered in the air, and Josh wasn't sure where this whole conversation was really going. Perhaps talk of some convention or perhaps camp he was going to this summer on Gay Alliances camp of some sort.

"I see." Josh sighed seeing they were at Simon's door. Josh kept thinking of Freddie and how much he wanted him. How much could they do before he had to race home. He looked at Simon who was chatting away about some project he wanted to start at school, a club for all gays and lesbians. It sounded laborious to Josh. Some sort of constitution and who would fill the offices? He went on and on.

And then Josh did it. He kissed Simon to perhaps to put his own self out of misery. Simon was swallowed up by the kiss. He was shaking.

"Sorry." Josh said.

Still Simon said nothing.

"You're all right, aren't you?" It was just a kiss, not even open mouthed or French. Simon just stood there looking at him.

"Again, sorry." Josh patted him on the shoulder and turned to go. He looked back once more and saw Simon still staring at him. Josh hoped he went inside.

He got back to Freddie's flat who still wasn't home. He was still at the party. Josh got in the hot shower, hoping he wouldn't have to wait long for him.

He thought of his kiss with Simon. He hadn't meant to do it. He'd even stunned himself about the whole ordeal. He really hadn't meant to. It was just the fact that talking about it and doing it were two totally different things. Evidently. And honestly, Josh didn't want to talk about it as Simon did, who seemed far more interested in a symposium on alternative life styles instead of actually living one. What was he waiting for?

He guessed he'd scared him. But it was only a kiss. Then he thought of John Paul kissing him and how it was like a wake up call, or a key had finally been turned to open a new door, and he'd been left wanting more like an adventure he'd waited for all his life.

Finally Freddie came and Josh didn't think about the little mistake with Simon. He smiled when Freddie got in the shower with him. They touched and Josh knew where he belonged.

1 comment:

Steve Middleton said...

Hi - I've left a reply to your comment on my blog. Holloaks certainly isn't Dawson's Creek is it? (Or the OC or One Tree Hill!)