Saturday, March 8, 2008

control

i'm coming down
bring me up
take it off
let's just touch

What had he just done with Kieron?

Just when he thought he'd never go back. He had. And his eyes swelled with tears. Of course, Carmel thought he was upset about their mother going off to prison.

"What can I do?" He was thinking of Kieron, but he knew was suppose to be thinking of Mum.

"Just stay on here tonight. Some one needs to be here." Carmel begged.

"I can't." Kieron was still here. He was busy with phone calls, but he was here.

"Please, I need my time with Calvin. Its been ages. And I need him right now. John Paul, please understand." Carmel was in tears, and he knew the only bloke who could do would be Calvin.

"All right." So he'd be left with Kieron. It looked like. Just the two of them. Maybe it would be a last chance. Maybe.

He got on his mobile and called Quintin out of obligation. "I can't be there right yet. Mum stuff, you know. It'd be best to keep out of it, you know. Sorry. I gotta go." He'd let him down easy. No way could he look Quintin in the face now. It just wouldn't be right. Not after what happened in the dark with Kieron.

He knew it was his own damn fault. Why did he need Kieron so badly?

"All right, go." He told Carmel. He'd be alone with Kieron. He tried not to think about Mum and what she'd done wrong. He knew all she wanted to do was to provide for them. But there wasn't much he could do about the matter now. Besides there was Kieron. And they really needed to sort it all out.

If only he could. This was a fucked up mess. And it sucked to be him. It did. He felt frantic about being so selfish in this endeavor. How'd he ever get himself out of this muck he was glued too. Why did it have to feel so brilliant to be with Kieron, when all along it made him sad in the long run.

John Paul set on the couch. He didn't bother to turn on the tele. It would be too much for him. He noticed Kieron had unplugged the phone as well.

"I can't take another phone call about your Mum, John Paul."

"Yeah, this whole family is falling apart. I give up." John Paul shook his head, no.

"You won't give up on us, will you?" Kieron's dark eyes stared at him. He bit his bottom lip as if he remembered everything that happened in the wardrobe. How could John Paul forget.

"Will you?" John Paul squinted back tears.

"I just don't know what to do with myself, without you." He sighed.

John Paul didn't say a word. He knew how he felt. He knew where he was suppose to be, but he was here. Here with Kieron. And it pained him that he couldn't be any stronger. Stronger for the both of them.

"I don't believe you, " said John Paul. He kept shaking his head, no.

"But don't you?"

"No." John Paul couldn't look him in the eye.

"I can't stand the thought of you being with him," Kieron said pulling John Paul in.

"How do you think I feel?" John Paul shook his no, again. "We have to let this go, and you know it." But he didn't mean it. Not really. And yet it felt like good-bye. Maybe.

Kieron kissed him. John fought back with a hard kiss. But he couldn't resist. Envitable he supposed. They had the whole place to themselves. When would that ever happen again?

John Paul wished they'd never came downstairs. And it felt like a long walk upstairs. Was this really goodbye sex. It didn't feel like it by a long shot with the twist in turns up the stairs. It was a wonder they made it to the threshold of the room. And then they locked the door behind them. Didn't want to chance someone walking in. Even though, John Paul didn't think anyone would.

He wanted to memorize everything possible of Kieron's face. His hands. His body. But there wasn't enough time. Not like he wanted. No there was so much to race to. Maybe later they'd take more time. As it was, he found Kieron intoxicating. So intoxicating that it controled John Paul.

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