Friday, February 29, 2008

kissing air

wanted not to want my dreaming
want to stop this constant scheming
when i sleep you're always there
i wake up 'cause i'm kissing air.

John Paul thought for a second he might be losing air, falling...falling deep in the dark waters of his own dream. And in the murkiness, he could see Kieron trying to get to him, but he couldn't.

John Paul awoke in his small bed at home.

Things had changed. He knew it. Kieron knew it. The night at the lake was a mistake. How could John Paul ever see it any different.

Of course, he still wanted Kieron. He could sense his amazing lips already on him. John Paul squinted more tears. It couldn't be this way. He wanted to still blame this all on Craig. That stupid phone call. He should have never called.

He reached for his Mobile and redialed the number that Chloe had called.

"Hullo....hullo...hullo." Her voice was tender and for a second he wanted to tell a stranger everything going on in his life. He so wanted to tell someone.

"Sorry, wrong number." He shook his head, no.

"John Paul, is this you?" Her voice was so familiar. He didn't even know her. He should be calling Katie or someone he knew. They had only spoken once as it was.

"Yeah," John Paul raked his fingers through his whispy mess of hair. "But I didn't mean, too. It was just an accident. I thought I had someone else's number."

"Its OK. Don't worry about it. Are you sure there isn't something wrong? You sound different."

He made himself comfortable in bed then and sank his head into his pillow and stared at the ceiling.

"Just a sniffle." His nose was watery. "I'll be fine."

"So whats the weather like there?" She made small talk.

"Um, good. Sunny."

"Beats being here with a cloudy overcast." She sighed.

"I have something to confess." He finally breathed it all out. Maybe it he said something, he could get on with things. Move on perhaps.


He really wanted to confess about the phone call to Craig, but he couldn't make himself do it. He just couldn't rat on someone, even Craig.

"I've been seeing someone. Actually, a holiday, in fact."

"And? Did that go well?" She would have to ask.

"Actually, very well, but the thing is..the thing is..its all this big lie. A lie, thats what it is, and I'm really quite an honest person."

"I can tell, I can hear it your voice." She chimed in.

"Thanks." He needed to hear that even if she was this stranger, a stranger who Craig was sleeping with when he wasn't with who ever that other person was he was with.

"Its over." He was sure of it. He was going to make sure it was damn well over with Kieron. He couldn't bare to be under these conditions. He couldn't very well out, him. He would let it go. Let their little trist fade away like smoke. "Sorry if I bothered you." John Paul got up then. "It was a nice chat."

"Do call again. Its nice to have another grownup to talk with." She then mentioned Caroline her baby and how Chloe really wanted to start up a bed and breakfast at her cottage, but knew having a little one, it was too soon to start something like that.

They said their goodbyes. John Paul got dressed and went his way to the SU bar. His stomach was rumbling, but he didn't care. He had to get out of the house before his mother could even question him about his whole holiday. Thankfully, she hadn't bothered him much about it. There were other problems for her to worry about. He was the least of his problems.

Naturally, the first person he'd find was Kris who was nursing a beer. He was trying his best to get along with Kris, lately. Only, that was the last person he wanted to see.

"What's got you so down?" John Paul bought himself a drink and sat next to Kris at the bar.

"I'm searching for the love of my life. Only, he's not exactly taking my phone calls." Kris frowned.

"You're hair looks really nice. Maybe when the bloke sees ya, he'll change his mind." John Paul nodded.

"Fat chance, that'll be happening. But I don't want to give up. It was the best sex I ever had." Kris shrugged.

"Sex? Is that all you think about?" Really, John Paul found Kris disgusting, or the fact, maybe the very best he'd ever had was with Father Kieron.

"Lets shout about it! Why don't we, John Paul. Give everyone a good listen to my problems. Anyone knows, if it ain't great in the sack, whats the point?"

John Paul couldn't shake that thought. He took a sip of his beer then. John Paul turned and saw one his mates, Quintin, from foto class. His soft blonde curls fell about his sincere blue eyes.

"Hey," John Paul didn't really know him. He wasn't even sure if Quintin was gay. They sort of spoke. Quintan was serious when it came to photography and cameras. He sounded down, half the time, that original photography was pretty much dead and had given way to the digital world.

"Its been a while, where you been?" Quintin asked.

He was fit enough, John Paul imagined. Of course, most of the time Quintin wore baggy dark shirts that had no shape. His jeans usually were low and baggy too.

"Around, let me buy you a drink. We can catch up." He'd take a chance on Quintin boring him complete. He just had to somehow emerge himself in someone else.

This wouldn't be easy, but he had too. He had to listen to Quintin talk about nature and photoshoots and how demanding it was down at the student newspaper office.

John Paul finally withdrew. He excused himself to go to the restroom. It was hopeless. With every answer, John Paul couldn't get a clear clue if Quintin was even interested in him.

While he was taking a leak in the loo, the door opened. It was Quintin. John Paul bit his bottom lip. He just stared at Quintan in the mirror as he buttoned his jeans.

Quintin sighed. John Paul wasn't sure if he should make a move or not. It was all so quiet. He was sure someone would break this up before it ever got started. But like a language all its own, it happened. He didn't have to wait to be kissed first. And everything began to turn. Turn. Dizzily, John Paul found himself in the stall with Quintin. They both locked the door shut. Fingers touching.

It happened so quickly. Maybe too quickly, but John Paul kept wanting more if Quintin wanted to give it, he'd take it. Take it as long as it would last.

Kieron was just a blur in the back of his mind. He really didn't mind the smell of disinfectant, nor the thougth, they could go somewhere else like Quintin's place. No, there was a rush of pulsing sensation running through John Paul. He had to get Kieron out of system. He had too.

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