She didn't know what to do. She was furious with herself after all this time. All this time without Nancy.
But the tears poured, anyway. She fell back on her bed and hugged her pillow. How could she forget everything with Nancy?
The first time it happened was after the dance when Hannah saw John Paul snogging Craig. She'd been devastated and Nancy was ready to party. Nancy wasn't completely wasted that night. She'd helped Sarah take Hannah home. And it was after Sarah left that Nancy tried to cheer her up with a little Gorillaz's music on the CD player.
"You can't let this hurt you, you know." Nancy pulled her right out of bed and put Hannah's hands on Nancy's hips. "You have to stand up, Hannah. Stand up for you." Nancy swayed back and forth to the music like a belly dancer. "Come on! Dance."
"I can't." Hannah was devastated. This was no time for dancing, but Nancy was her take charge self, even under the influence.
"Hannah, get over it. It was just a snog." Nancy put her arms around Hannah's neck and pulled her close. "Its not the end of the world."
It was to Hannah. John Paul was her everything. Her first.
"Was he really that great in bed?" Nancy giggled. Her hand touched Hannah's wet cheek and Hannah pouted.
"Do you really no for sure? How can you be sure, really? You haven't really gotten out there, now have you? You have to explore. Expand your horizons, Hannah." Nancy smiled, pulled Hannah close, tightened her arms around Nancy's waist and continued to sway. Hannah, caught herself swaying too.
"You need to forget about John Paul. Really, its not worth it. Crying over a snog like that."
Hannah closed her eyes.
"How were they snogging, anyway?" Nancy pressed for details. Hannah could see it in her mind over and over. There they were, really kissing.
Before she knew it, Nancy's lips were on hers. She gasped and felt Nancy's gentle tongue on hers. This time Hannah was awake, she pulled away.
"Was it full throttle?"
Hannah shivered again.
"If no tongue was involved how very well good of a snog was it then?" Nancy smiled.
Hannah squinted and told her to get off. "You're drunk, Nancy! You have to go. You have too."
Nancy frowned and Hannah wanted her to stay because she needed to sleep it off, but she couldn't put up with this. Not now. It must have been a joke to Nancy, but now Hannah didn't feel that way as she melted into tears. She missed fun Nancy. She missed her so much.
The second time it happened was just before Nancy asked for the pills to get through her levels. Nancy was so tired and just wanted some fun. She was overdue a holiday with all the care she'd taken to Charlie, her sister and Jake's baby. Jake was always leaving her with the baby. Hannah could hardly stand it. She wanted the real Nancy back. She wanted to help her, but she still wasn't really over John Paul, either. Actually, she'd forgotten how Nancy had tried to cheer her up. She was consumed with being fat even if Nancy kept telling her she wasn't.
They'd gotten off on the wrong foot, going to The Dog. Seeing John Paul with another guy shook Hannah up. And for the longest she wouldn't shut up about him. She was sorry now. They'd ended up drinking at the bus stop alone. Just a bottle of cheap wine.
Nancy was quiet for the longest time as if she'd given up. They'd bundled together to keep warm. Even if it was spring, there was still a chill in the air. It felt like winter would never end. Nancy laid her head on Hannah's shoulder.
"I miss this, you know," Nancy said. "I miss this."
Hannah put her fingers through Nancy's wicked bangs. She was still trying to look a little punk. "Yeah, but we're still best mates, aren't we?"
"I wish that was enough, you know."
In the stillness, it happened. They started making out like a fan with a rock star. It just didn't stop. First it was soft and petty, but the rush began to pulse and Nancy began to giggle. Hannah, pulled back finally, remembering they'd both had too much to drink. "You're drunk, Nancy. You're drunk."
The more Hannah thought of her words now to Nancy she wanted to throw up. It made her ill now to think how she'd shut Nancy out of her life for so long. She didn't want anyone around with her episodes from her eating disorder. She knew now she'd been selfish. A stupid cow through all this, but she was better now. Better. Perhaps.
The third time it happened was around the holidays. It was stranger than before. Nancy who was so sad with Charlie being sick and everything, wanted to go Christmas shopping in the city and asked if Hannah could join.
They'd taken the metro, and Nancy arrived in a disguise.
"What are you doing?" Hannah was surprised as Nancy pulled her into the car.
"I'm Newt!" She looked all tough in her black leather jacket and tight jeans. Her hair turned black blue hiding one eye. Even a lip piercing. Just like the foster kid, Newt who had moved in with the Dean family."You know, I look just like him. You know, you want me," she winked. "Come on, let me be your boyfriend, today."
Hannah couldn't resist to laugh as she followed Nancy to the end of the car and sat on the backseat. Nancy put her arm around her like a tough gangster. She licked her lips, bit the ring in her mouth. "I can make magic with this thing." She taunted.
Hannah sighed. The metro started, and Hannah let Nancy's finger nudge the loop of her low-riders.
No one was really watching. An old man was reading a newspaper, but Hannah didn't really notice with the pressing situation. She was finally deliriously happy. And they could have rolled along the countryside all day.
Nancy wasn't drunk. Neither was she. They'd held hands in the city, not as mates, but as something else.
It was true, Nancy was the best boyfriend she ever had.
And she ached now, worried, worried it was all gone. What had Jake done to Nancy?